Moms Talk: What If You Can't Afford the Holiday Gifts Your Child Wants?
How do you handle requests for gifts that may be out of your budget — or simply, in your opinion, unreasonably expensive?
For adults, Christmas and Hanukkah and other seasonal holidays may hold special meaning because of bonds with family, spiritual celebrations, cherished traditions, or even just a chance to kick back and reconnect with some people we haven't seen all year long.
Of course, we appreciate gifts — but hopefully, by adulthood, we realize there is more to treasure.
Some or all of those things may be important to children, too.
But, let's face it, the chance for gifts also is a big part of what makes the holidays sparkle for kids.
So what do you do if you can't afford the gifts your child thinks they deserve — or if you feel they've asked for something that is ridiculously expensive and overpriced, and maybe unnecessary?
No one wants to rain on the parade of getting a great holiday gift — even while we try to impart the message to our children that there is joy in giving as well. But sometimes we can't — or won't — pay for the items on our childrens' wish lists. (Or does it sometimes feel like a list of demands, delivered on legal letterhead?)
What if your household has received a financial hit this year that means that gifts won't be as plentiful as during previous holidays? Do you try to explain this to your children? How?
If you must economize — but still have something in your gift budget — do you try to spend your gift allowance most effectively in a way that has something for everyone? (ie. a gift that is for the entire family, as we're doing this year.) Do you get one big item that will be used frequently during the year instead of stupid stuff? Or do you go into debt?
Do you allocate part of the gift for a donation to some worthy cause? Last Sunday, the Liberty Corner Presbyterian Church held its annual Advent Extravaganza. Part of the annual Christmas event is to wrap gifts for people being served through various charities who might otherwise not receive anything (or very little) this holiday season. (Note to my sons — receipt of a donation to a special cause is one of your stocking stuffers this year!)
And certainly, holiday traditions are a gift unto themselves. This week, the giant dreidel has made its annual reappearance at the Chabad Jewish Center. What a way to signal to local children that Hanukkah will soon arrive!
But even if we try hard to impart the joy of the season in other ways, there still are a few knotty questions that always come up.
For one thing, there's that issue of Santa's parity in giving to explain to kids who are young enough to still believe, but old enough to notice a bit of a discrepancy. After all, doesn't Santa base his rationale for rewards on who's been "naughty or nice?"
When we lived in Oyster Bay, N.Y., the father of my son's friend across the street held a position that meant that he received many gifts and goodies around Christmas. Fair or not, the parents "regifted" many of those items through Santa.
So while my son received a decent haul of gifts under the tree that year (wasn't there even a bike in the mix?), that other kid got at least 20, and counting.
"Why did Santa give G— a computer?" my son wanted to know. Certainly, that other kid wasn't better behaved...
Of course, Santa's identity was soon to be unmasked on his Long Island school bus. Question answered! But even older kids may grumble when looking at what their classmates or neighbors received — and they didn't.
Perhaps it's just a matter of planning, and budgeting. My younger brother (now an accountant) always started filling in his list for the next year's requested Christmas gifts on the afternoon of Dec. 25, giving my parents ample warning. But hey, he still gives good gifts, too!
Colleen Epple Pine
12:34 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Our family might be thought of as “cursed” when you consider the month of December brings 4 family birthdays and our celebrations of both Hanukkah and Christmas! If you consider the 8 nights of Hanukkah with the traditional one-gift-per-night, along with Santa’s sack of goodies and the birthdays—it can be daunting. But over the years, we’ve learned to view our month of December as God’s blessing! The children are receiving one of life’s greatest lessons to learn what we “need” versus what we “want”. These messages will help carry them into adulthood when expectations become more realistic. Rather than giving it all or trying to keep up with the Joneses, we try to teach the kids to count blessings rather than boxes and gift bags. For the younger ones, this is an understanding that may take time. Our town has experienced great loss and sadness in the past weeks, and the time is now to feel the gifts year-round and teach the children to value what matters most—family, health, friendships and community. My family will enjoy the 8 nights of Hanukkah this year while opening simple but pleasurable gifts while lighting the Menorah…a bag of pistachios, chap-stick, Tic-Tacs and a pair of gloves, to name a few. At Christmas, “Santa” is happy to bring something needed and the message learned we hope will have been the greatest gift of the season.
Linda Sadlouskos
12:40 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thanks, Colleen — we too light a menorah in memory of a late family member. What other traditions do local families have that they might consider as a "gift" to their children?
On a practical note, it can sometimes be hard for families with December birthdays...I have a friend with one of those famous Dec. 25 birthdays who said he always felt shorted! And who would come to his party?
Kris Hintz
1:05 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
When my son was a child, we got him everything he wanted for holidays, no matter how expensive. Now he is a senior in college. During his summer internships, he was horrified if we tried to help him pay for his apartment or buy him expensive furnishings for it. Why? Because he wants to be an independent, self-sufficient adult. He appreciates our generosity but he sometimes views it as an obstacle to his autonomy; there are times when I fear he may resent our giving him expensive gifts as he was growing up because he was not learning the value of a dollar.
In retrospect, I would not have bought him every videogame he wanted to make him "happy" at Christmas. Lowering our kids' materialistic expectations is a true gift. And remember the old Beatles song, "Money can't buy you love?"
Linda Sadlouskos
1:18 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Kris _ I would guess your son appreciates the gifts you gave him, but now is trying to prove himself as an adult! What a gift you gave him to instill that attitude! Besides, he hopefully will pass along your open-hearted attitude to his own children — and isn't that a gift that keeps on giving?
Kris Hintz
1:22 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Totally!
TJ
2:08 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
It's easier to explain a budget if the kids see the gifts as coming from mom and dad (who have a budget) vs. santa (no budget -- sky's the limit). When we donate things to families in need, many kids will ask 'why doesn't santa just bring them more?" Good question.
Andi Williams
2:20 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Now that two of my kids are older, I have set a budget for gifts and if, in their eyes, it's just not enough to get that 'thing' they truly crave, then I invite them to contribute the balance. They are both working a little bit now and I think it is so healthy for them to experience the pain of parting with their hard earned cash..!
Linda Sadlouskos
2:30 pm on Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Yes, some of the Santa questions are hard to answer. Suggestions, anyone? (But I do remember hearing various explanations when I was very little that, "Santa only has so much room on his sled," or "The elves can only make certain things." Lame perhaps, but maybe good enough to buy a little time...)
Diane
6:49 pm on Monday, December 3, 2012
This was a useless article. Really. This doesn't help with any ideas of how to handle a very bad situation. There is a difference in not being able to afford an expensive gift that most people can't and not being able to afford ANYTHING. Thank you for just making me feel worse.
Linda Sadlouskos
9:46 pm on Monday, December 3, 2012
Maybe you can take the family on a short trip somewhere special that everyone likes and has special meaning. I've done that when finances were very tight.