Helping Your Teenager Grieve

I have been blogging for about a year and a half.  In that time I have written two blogs on talking to children about tragedy.  Today, I am writing yet another related article on helping teenagers/young adults grieve after hearing the very sad news of two local young men passing away suddenly and unexpectedly.  I hope as a community we can come together to support the families and friends of all those touched by this tragedy.  I hope you will read the following article and find it useful. On a more personal note, my thoughts and prayers are with all those touched by this tragedy. -Alicia

The sudden and unexpected deaths of adolescents/young adults are far too common in the news. The news is especially shocking when it hits close to home.  The topic is never easy to discuss and leaves people in the community and all those who loved the deceased left with the question why?

Although death is a part of the life cycle, it is a very sad part which involves deep emotions that eventually need to be processed.  Teenagers, who are undergoing many physical, cognitive, and emotional changes, need their parents help when dealing with grief as much as they needed their help learning to walk or ride a bicycle.

In order to help anyone through the grief process, the following is a brief description of the stages of grief according to Elizabeth Kubler Ross (1969), an expert on the stages of grief.

Stage 1:  Denial, shock, or disbelief.  The hallmark of this stage is the conscious or unconscious refusal to accept the loss.  It is a defense mechanism.  Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual.  

Stage 2:  Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"  Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes the denial cannot continue. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.

Stage 3:  Bargaining — Bargaining is when one realizes the anger isn’t going to change anything.  It is the fantasy that the living can do something to bring back the deceased. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

Stage 4:  Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?" The individual may become silent and spend much of the time crying and grieving. However, feeling these emotions shows the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation.  It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.  It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage.

Stage 5: Acceptance — "It's going to be okay, different than before but okay." 

Below are 5 things adults can do to support their young adult through the grief process. 

1.      Allow your child to grieve.  It is alright to cry.  Crying is healthy and expresses deep emotions.  Emotions which are often too difficult to express with words.  Often teenagers aren’t equipped with the emotional language to express their feelings.  This is complicated by grief.  It may hurt parents who are grieving as well to see their child grieve but it is important.  There are many ways to grieve and it is important that parents allow it and respect it.

2.      Help your teen feel safe.  Establish or maintain healthy habits and routines.  This allows your teenager to feel safe and have a sense of normalcy during a difficult time.  It reminds teenagers of the security that family, sports, and school give.

3.      The loss is larger than the death.  Loss during the teenage years shakes up a teenager’s world.  Part of teenager’s developmental tasks are to begin to figure out their place in the world.  Loss makes teenagers question their place; it is especially true for sudden or tragic losses.  Teenage losses which are close to home also bring up the realization that they are not invincible and that they too are fallible.  These realities are hard to understand. 

4.      Encourage your teen to reach out for help.  Reaching out to something bigger than him such as school counseling groups, bevereament groups, youth group activities, talking with a therapist allow the teenager to be a part of a connected group.  It allows them to realize they are not alone and their feelings are normal.  It gives them peer support, support that parents cannot give.  He will come to understand that he is not alone in this world and others have gone through these hard times too.

5.      Watch for serious signs of depression. Serious signs of depression include:

• Sadness or hopelessness
• Irritability, anger, or hostility
• Tearfulness or frequent crying
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Loss of interest in activities
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits
• Restlessness and agitation
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
• Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
• Fatigue or lack of energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• Thoughts of death or suicide

6.       If you find your teen is having problems beyond grieving or you are unable to help your teen because you are grieving, please call your doctor for information on services in your local area and follow through by attending to them.

Remember we all process grief differently and travel through the above stages in many different ways.  It is when we or our teenagers get stuck and despite your support and encouragement cannot move on, that professional help is warranted.